Encountering Trauma and People Who've been through multiple traumas
Every once in a while you meet someone who seems at first like a prickly porcupine. Perhaps they easily get anxious or angry? They seem mistrustful. Chances are you are encountering someone who has experienced multiple traumas.
There are those who have been hurt and wounded and use that as a reason for all sorts of bad behavior toward others, and then there are those who are in the throes of reactionary behavior but really are working on changing, not just giving lip service to it. How do you tell the difference?
Look at the wake of hurt people going on for years coming from the wreckage of the man who is very charismatic but has been like a tornado ripping through the lives of others. How many people have been crushed, wounded and slandered in his wake? How many people are afraid to challenge him, lest they be the next target? That's not a traumatized person on a path to healing and life with God.
What about someone genuinely sorry for those they have hurt to the point where they really are concerned, not just for show, not just to check and make sure they are okay with him. That someone works privately to make things right and does not have expectations that people have to comply with his demands.
When you meet a porcupine or a person who is easily fearful or upset, it is quite possible they have reason to be, so it may take time to learn trust. A kind and gentle person does not demand trust, but understands it is earned. It does not blame the victim or revictimize the hurt person.
Sadly, in the church, there are people who want to "make trophies" of people they claim to help. Ministry is about God. It is about people. It is about caring and love. It is not a marketing tactic or means for financial gain. All good things come from God, as do blessings. Let's be part of the solution and give grace to those recovering from abuse and trauma. At the same time let's keep our eyes open to the wolves in sheeps clothing and recognize when someone is whitewashing the fence.
In general, you can give people the benefit of the doubt, but it's probably not a good idea to give them an ongoing benefit when it is an excuse to continue to be abusive.
There are those who have been hurt and wounded and use that as a reason for all sorts of bad behavior toward others, and then there are those who are in the throes of reactionary behavior but really are working on changing, not just giving lip service to it. How do you tell the difference?
Look at the wake of hurt people going on for years coming from the wreckage of the man who is very charismatic but has been like a tornado ripping through the lives of others. How many people have been crushed, wounded and slandered in his wake? How many people are afraid to challenge him, lest they be the next target? That's not a traumatized person on a path to healing and life with God.
What about someone genuinely sorry for those they have hurt to the point where they really are concerned, not just for show, not just to check and make sure they are okay with him. That someone works privately to make things right and does not have expectations that people have to comply with his demands.
When you meet a porcupine or a person who is easily fearful or upset, it is quite possible they have reason to be, so it may take time to learn trust. A kind and gentle person does not demand trust, but understands it is earned. It does not blame the victim or revictimize the hurt person.
Sadly, in the church, there are people who want to "make trophies" of people they claim to help. Ministry is about God. It is about people. It is about caring and love. It is not a marketing tactic or means for financial gain. All good things come from God, as do blessings. Let's be part of the solution and give grace to those recovering from abuse and trauma. At the same time let's keep our eyes open to the wolves in sheeps clothing and recognize when someone is whitewashing the fence.
In general, you can give people the benefit of the doubt, but it's probably not a good idea to give them an ongoing benefit when it is an excuse to continue to be abusive.