Abuse - verbal, marital, physical, emotional, spiritual, sexual or any type of abuse is NOT God's plan for you. Abuse is wrong, no matter how beautiful or socially acceptable the religious wrapping.
For by wise counsel thou shalt make thy war*: and in multitude of counsellors there is safety.
Proverbs 24:6
We are noting that an increasing number of people are seeking help and looking for teaching or assistance in dealing with untenable abuse situations. Some of them are in marriage where a spouse is unfaithful and verbally and financially or otherwise abusive. Others are in churches that are steeped in legalism and operate more like cults where a person's or family's whole social, financial and spiritual world is tied to the group, and is subject to severe consequences for normal human behavior, questioning or thinking differently. The first thing we ask them and would ask you visiting this section on our site is: Are you physically safe?
If you are in physical danger, or have been hit, threatened with violence, physically detained against your will, subject to continued harassment, or if your property has been subject to violence (someone is breaking or throwing things), then it is wisdom to both get to safety, and call 911, especially in the case of physical violence. We realize that there are many situations which could fall under the word "abuse," and we don't know your specific individual circumstances.
If you are in a situation where you are not safe, please get to safety. For situations of domestic violence, and even some workplace violence, you can also phone the national domestic abuse helpline: 1−800−799−7233 Please note also that threats and damage of property and escalations of anger or violence can be predecessors of physical violence. This is not at all meant to be glib, but getting to physical safety is important, because it is very hard to look at spiritual issues and even evidenced based data and studies if you are unsafe or in a threatening environment.
This page opens the conversation about abuse without identifying or uncovering any specific marital situation, person, group, church or ministry. It is still very much in "draft" format, as we are speaking to people in varying stages of recovery from spiritual and other abuse. This site is also viewed by people who do not believe Jesus Christ is the only way to Father God, who are trying to understand how to help believers and discern healthy Christianity from abusive Christianity. It may also be viewed by people in abusive groups who are wanting to discern what are essentials of Christian faith vs misapplication of scripture or undue influence. We don't profess to be able to answer all of that, but we can say there is a point where a line is crossed in how doctrine is applied, where it includes deception, undue influence, and abuse, and we hope to help you be able to discern and identify that, and also to find resources for critical thinking and recovery. For example, there is just no place for cruelty, and yet many abusive groups commonly employ it, even if it is given some kind of euphamism.
We discuss common situations that people have dealt with and scenarios that are well known in evidence based abuse recovery. Some articles we include are personal stories which do reference the authors and cite the sources. We do not curtail the freedom of the authors to share their own experience, and they may, as part of sharing their own story, name the group(s) they were part of. Our own references to examples of abuse include situations that have been reported at more than one location or in more than one situation, home or group. We are identifying what is common to manipulation, abuse, control, power dominance, victimization and the like. If people receiving personal ministry have asked us to share their own situations they are done anonymously, and in composite, to honor those who want their stories shared, while preserving their privacy, in order to help others.
If you are a person or ministry who feels you have been singled out or are being accused, our heart is not to accuse but to liberate, both those who have been wounded and damaged and been on the receiving end of unrighteousness, and also those who are the perpetrators. We have material in the Advanced Ministry Manual section for those (abusers) who sincerely wish to repent for abusive behavior and take steps to stop it, but this is not material so you can put on a "public show" of repentance. Real change takes a sincere desire to change your thinking and a willingness to see other people as equals, not as resources for your use. If you believe, after examining these pages, that some of the signs of abusive people or groups might be part of the way you think or your behavior, please begin to go before God and He will help you to first repent and then begin to make reparations and be part of the healing, instead of a facilitator of the hurt.
Since abuse often involves manipulating its victims to bear false burdens or think that they are the problem or that something is wrong with them, there is often a time of discerning whose responsibility is what, we encourage you to take time to explore the links and websites here. Usually the responsibility for an adult who enters into an abusive relationship is first recognizing they were deceived and promised one thing, and even if they did get some of that, the relationship also included a whole bunch of unhealthy things they never would have signed up for had they known from the outset what would be required of them. We provide resources from a lot of sources, and you may not agree with the whole of the thinking of the books we recommend. We don't, but we trust your ability to evaluate and discern. It is okay to explore "outside resources." As you do, please don't immediately reject them because the other person's perspective or mindset comes from something outside what you have been programmed to look at. Why? Because almost all abuse involves some level of the abusive person trying to control the information to which you have access, usually the "counsel" of other people outside the person or group. How often the tactic is used that someone telling you "that person is bad for you, I'd be careful about talking to him or her." That in itself should be a red flag going off with loud siren bells. The person who says they are "protecting" you by controlling your access to others or outside information is not wanting you to be validated by hearing what happened to them, lest you find out they have been subject to the same abuse you are receiving. It is similar in abusive groups. An abusive person functionally isolates the person or people being mistreated, and cuts off a degree of interpersonal access to other people.
For example, in some fundamentalist circles, people have been taught that "Psychology is evil." We won't debate that here, but God never meant for you to not give matters a hearing, or that just because a person practices something you don't believe, that everything that comes out of their mouth is warped by the Devil. God gave you a brain, and it is okay to think critically and to use it. If Balaam's donkey had something to say, it is okay for us to take a look at what other humans have observed, especially when they may have dedicated years of their lives to research to help people overcome abuse, trauma, cults and the like. A common practice in cultic groups is to defame or shun former members, and instill fear of contacting them. There is a movie called Gaslight, in which a husband makes his wife appear crazy, yet he is the source of her unstable behavior. An abusive, controlling person will cause great emotional pain and disturbance and can time it to come to a large public manifestation in a way that ruins the abused person's ability to be heard by others. It is also accomplished by subtle slander over time.
*The war mentioned in the scripture at the top of this page is not a physical war, fought with fists, but a spiritual one. Abuse influences your thinking and mindset. Part of abuse often includes convincing the victim or recipient that he or she deserves the abuse or that it has some kind of noble meaning which honors God. Abuse exalts the enemy, not God. When you have a choice, God does not expect you to enable an abuser, and by enabling him or her, to somehow fulfill a Holy purpose "for the LORD."
This is how people are made to comply for a long time before they realize they are being used and abused. You've heard of cleanliness being next to godliness? Compliance being next to godliness is taught. Only the "rules" of submission and compliance are being used by insecure people who deal in power and control as a form of building self worth and personal legitimacy. Control of information on the part of the abuser, combined with the desire to please God on the part of the abused person, motivates the person being controlled or manipulated to choose to submit to abuse rather than risk dishonoring God. They are being given a "bait and switch," but don't know it while it is going on. The person or group who deceives or manipulates someone to not look outside is usually the same source that defines for the person (or group) what dishonors God. Access to a different viewpoint or interpretation of God's word is hidden while under the influence of that type of manipulation, but it is often sold as a form of "protection" or "looking out to keep you safe." The isolation causes you to doubt yourself. You look to the abusive person or group as your point of reference, and you are stuck. Under that type of influence, people have often bought into the ideals or mission, which are good, but when what is happening is not what is promised, there is a huge tendency to believe in the promise or ideal rather than what is really happening. Why? because the deck has been stacked toward denial, which is much less painful than the truth... of realizing you've been deceived and telling yourself everything is good. It's easier to believe you are the problem than to face the fact that leaders or spouses or good friends have been manipulating, controlling, using you.
This is how so many people can remain in an abusive religious group and see their brothers and sisters thrown under the bus, shunned, falsely accused and made to comply or leave, and still make some kind of peace with it in their own mind, and somehow still manage to call it good. One of the few ways of seeing others treated cruelly, and go back there, is to believe what you are told and don't rock the boat. You buy into the belief that they deserved it. That they just did not submit and God would have done good in it, but that they were unspiritual. In your gut, you know what is happening is really...really...really wrong, but to take responsibility to respond to the truth would cost you all the obvious gains of favor and fellowship, and also the fantasy and hopes and time and money and "sweat equity" you've invested in the ideals, dream or mission. Favor is rewarded to the super obedient, super compliant. But if you are honest, you have seen the most submissive, kind, humble, God-loving people walked right out the door and shown no mercy and shunned for no good reason if you have been part of a an abusive religious group.
Thinking critically, comparing your experience with others outside, and checking it out with others is not some ungodly, evil, heinous act. It is common sense, and thoroughly Biblical and godly.
Where no counsel is, the people fall: but in the multitude of counsellors there is safety.
Proverbs 11:14
With regard to spiritual abuse, we used to think that a good way to study teaching and materials was to sit with one teaching or minister, but over the years we have seen the bad fruit of people isolating others from outside information, and many of those people want to create an inordinate dependency so that others will be consumers of their material, even for financial gain in some cases. Those who insist you stay within their teaching and don't listen to others are operating in controlling the counsel to which you have access. This can be done on a one-on-one relationship level in a marriage or friendship, or it can even be done on a ministry, group or church level.
Many of us were improperly taught that "checking things out" would cause the counsel of multiple sources to cancel each other out. And when counsel says "Don't listen to anyone else." or "Listen to me/us because I/we are right, and they -- people I/we don't want you to talk to -- are wrong." That's another red flag! You really are correct in wanting to bounce your thinking and experience about what is happening with some outside counsel. Books on spousal, religious abuse and high control/demand groups and undue influence will not sour your mind with "ungodly ideas," but will help you not to answer a matter before hearing it. It may even help you put words to what you are experiencing or what you see happening to those around you.
Reports of spiritual abuse are becoming more common, not because Christians are becoming division makers, nor because they are steeped in victimization or self pity, as their abusers would accuse, but because the Church has neglected the care of it's people, and because religious traditions have shielded abuse while preventing responsive, loving action to help those who have endured suffering due to sin of other members in the body of Christ. We can't neglect that people with unhealed personal and mental illness sometimes start out with partial recovery and good intentions, but un-dealt-with issues surface after those people begin to become agents of help and healing towards others, but things like grandiosity, greed, pride and lack of real transparency then come to bear and the people they say they are helping are isolated, blamed, deligitimized and eliminated to preserve the "look good" of the spouse, ministry or abusive church or church leader. Recovering from abuse includes recognizing both how the abusive people have sinned against the people who are abused, and also discerning and dealing with what often keeps the victim codependent or participatory with the abuse. If both are not dealt with, then it is observed in the Church and in the world that the person goes from frying pan into the fire.
It is not uncommon for a person to to begin to recognize they are in an abusive situation or relationship, to then seek help and fall into the hands of another abusive system or person who offers help to them, but ends up using and manipulating the person who is in transition. We have witnessed abusive groups actually pursue or gather those leaving one abusive group so as to gain "their" people. During that time the people are "love bombed" (treated graciously with extra care and attention to as to inspire loyalty and gratitude at being "rescued"). Those people do not realize that they are being brought from a pretty warm frying pan into a hotter fire.
Religious legalism twists the intent of the gospel, and that legalism tends to be biased to focus the enforcement of forgiveness and minimization on the part of the abused person, rather than promoting accountable spiritual and behavioral change on the part of the persons doing the abusing. We are all for forgiveness, but we are equally responsible to protect and help those who are not in a position to protect and defend themselves. The burden of responsibility for abuse ceases being 50:50, once undue influence, manipulation, control, social pressure, authority differentials and other tactics are employed.
Our traditional faith, while trying to engender proper respect, sometimes prejudices us to think the best of people whom tradition teaches us to respect, and to disbelieve reports of those whom are slandered or suspect. This is a harmful bias. The teaching of abusive groups primes the pump and reinforces this kind of thing both pre-abuse, during the abuse and on an ongoing basis. Part of the problem is believers are trained to disbelieve and doubt reports of real wrongdoing. We don't want to believe the people who we love and trust and who have invested themselves on our behalf can be users and abusers. We want to continue to receive the gains and the good things and to pursue the fulfillment of the hopes and dreams we've had raised by our participation with these people.
As a church and ministry, we want to address the issues of both domestic and spiritual abuse. Our heart is to open the conversation, and that we each examine ourselves and the long term behavior and fruit of others, with whom we come in contact, so we can discern situations properly.
Can a ministry or church address or deal with "sin" issues and not be abusive? Yes, but there is a challenge of human people interpreting God's timing and change program for other people. Perhaps God shows me something about a habit or issue, and there is loving conviction (motivation) to make a change in my life. That may be filled with grace and love, and be for my benefit. But when I turn around and expect you to have to change like me, in the same timing and way, when God has not shown you the same issue, it can become a problem if I or anyone else uses undue influence or tries to "expedite" the change or make a rule or law out of it, and judge you by it or make you less legitimate because you don't progress according to my ideas.
Can a church be essentially biblicist and operate in deliverance ministry, and not be abusive? Yes, and it is a challenge, because love has to take precedence in how we apply doctrine, and even how we teach and share it. When you discuss right and wrong and matters of eternity, there is always the potential for abuse. When you look to leaders and allow them to stand in the place of God or as an intermediary, there is potential you are subject to that person's biological, soul and spiritual issues and problems. This is why God does not want us to have any other gods before Him. Israel wanted a king, and they got a Saul. This is why inordinate trust in man that leads us to weight our trust more in people can cause us problems (Jeremiah 17:5-8). We have long been ignorant of social dynamics and pressures that come to bear in churches and large groups, and it would help everyone if we were to be mindful of how people can be put into double-bind situations, and give them the space and freedom to choose their agreement with God and beliefs without human pressure and manipulation.
Even those who teach against occultism can use manipulation by voice dynamics, repetition, hypnosis, group trance and high control tactics. The fact that someone says they are "protecting you" and that they legitimately label errors of other teachings is is no guarantee that they are not operating in heavy duty control and manipulation. If their form of "protection" requires you stop thinking, surrender your will to them, submit in advance, stop questioning, and take on aspects of learned helplessness, this is not from God. God gave you a brain, and it is okay to use it.
One example of abuse is when a group which professes to deliver people from fear, and teach about how to overcome fear, actually puts fear "on" people by telling them if they don't obey this or that (human rule) God will punish them. Or tells them that if they leave group A or minister B, they "won't make it out there." Some abusive groups actually curse (verbally pronounce negative prognostications) toward or about former members. They even threaten them with negative consequence.
This section was revised subsequent to feedback from prayer and from a number of mature believers, and those who have been recovering from abuse, some of them being the same. The main revision was to separate a large volume of resources and help into sub sections. We still believe it is very much unfinished, but it is a start. Thanks for your patience.
Proverbs 24:6
We are noting that an increasing number of people are seeking help and looking for teaching or assistance in dealing with untenable abuse situations. Some of them are in marriage where a spouse is unfaithful and verbally and financially or otherwise abusive. Others are in churches that are steeped in legalism and operate more like cults where a person's or family's whole social, financial and spiritual world is tied to the group, and is subject to severe consequences for normal human behavior, questioning or thinking differently. The first thing we ask them and would ask you visiting this section on our site is: Are you physically safe?
If you are in physical danger, or have been hit, threatened with violence, physically detained against your will, subject to continued harassment, or if your property has been subject to violence (someone is breaking or throwing things), then it is wisdom to both get to safety, and call 911, especially in the case of physical violence. We realize that there are many situations which could fall under the word "abuse," and we don't know your specific individual circumstances.
If you are in a situation where you are not safe, please get to safety. For situations of domestic violence, and even some workplace violence, you can also phone the national domestic abuse helpline: 1−800−799−7233 Please note also that threats and damage of property and escalations of anger or violence can be predecessors of physical violence. This is not at all meant to be glib, but getting to physical safety is important, because it is very hard to look at spiritual issues and even evidenced based data and studies if you are unsafe or in a threatening environment.
This page opens the conversation about abuse without identifying or uncovering any specific marital situation, person, group, church or ministry. It is still very much in "draft" format, as we are speaking to people in varying stages of recovery from spiritual and other abuse. This site is also viewed by people who do not believe Jesus Christ is the only way to Father God, who are trying to understand how to help believers and discern healthy Christianity from abusive Christianity. It may also be viewed by people in abusive groups who are wanting to discern what are essentials of Christian faith vs misapplication of scripture or undue influence. We don't profess to be able to answer all of that, but we can say there is a point where a line is crossed in how doctrine is applied, where it includes deception, undue influence, and abuse, and we hope to help you be able to discern and identify that, and also to find resources for critical thinking and recovery. For example, there is just no place for cruelty, and yet many abusive groups commonly employ it, even if it is given some kind of euphamism.
We discuss common situations that people have dealt with and scenarios that are well known in evidence based abuse recovery. Some articles we include are personal stories which do reference the authors and cite the sources. We do not curtail the freedom of the authors to share their own experience, and they may, as part of sharing their own story, name the group(s) they were part of. Our own references to examples of abuse include situations that have been reported at more than one location or in more than one situation, home or group. We are identifying what is common to manipulation, abuse, control, power dominance, victimization and the like. If people receiving personal ministry have asked us to share their own situations they are done anonymously, and in composite, to honor those who want their stories shared, while preserving their privacy, in order to help others.
If you are a person or ministry who feels you have been singled out or are being accused, our heart is not to accuse but to liberate, both those who have been wounded and damaged and been on the receiving end of unrighteousness, and also those who are the perpetrators. We have material in the Advanced Ministry Manual section for those (abusers) who sincerely wish to repent for abusive behavior and take steps to stop it, but this is not material so you can put on a "public show" of repentance. Real change takes a sincere desire to change your thinking and a willingness to see other people as equals, not as resources for your use. If you believe, after examining these pages, that some of the signs of abusive people or groups might be part of the way you think or your behavior, please begin to go before God and He will help you to first repent and then begin to make reparations and be part of the healing, instead of a facilitator of the hurt.
Since abuse often involves manipulating its victims to bear false burdens or think that they are the problem or that something is wrong with them, there is often a time of discerning whose responsibility is what, we encourage you to take time to explore the links and websites here. Usually the responsibility for an adult who enters into an abusive relationship is first recognizing they were deceived and promised one thing, and even if they did get some of that, the relationship also included a whole bunch of unhealthy things they never would have signed up for had they known from the outset what would be required of them. We provide resources from a lot of sources, and you may not agree with the whole of the thinking of the books we recommend. We don't, but we trust your ability to evaluate and discern. It is okay to explore "outside resources." As you do, please don't immediately reject them because the other person's perspective or mindset comes from something outside what you have been programmed to look at. Why? Because almost all abuse involves some level of the abusive person trying to control the information to which you have access, usually the "counsel" of other people outside the person or group. How often the tactic is used that someone telling you "that person is bad for you, I'd be careful about talking to him or her." That in itself should be a red flag going off with loud siren bells. The person who says they are "protecting" you by controlling your access to others or outside information is not wanting you to be validated by hearing what happened to them, lest you find out they have been subject to the same abuse you are receiving. It is similar in abusive groups. An abusive person functionally isolates the person or people being mistreated, and cuts off a degree of interpersonal access to other people.
For example, in some fundamentalist circles, people have been taught that "Psychology is evil." We won't debate that here, but God never meant for you to not give matters a hearing, or that just because a person practices something you don't believe, that everything that comes out of their mouth is warped by the Devil. God gave you a brain, and it is okay to think critically and to use it. If Balaam's donkey had something to say, it is okay for us to take a look at what other humans have observed, especially when they may have dedicated years of their lives to research to help people overcome abuse, trauma, cults and the like. A common practice in cultic groups is to defame or shun former members, and instill fear of contacting them. There is a movie called Gaslight, in which a husband makes his wife appear crazy, yet he is the source of her unstable behavior. An abusive, controlling person will cause great emotional pain and disturbance and can time it to come to a large public manifestation in a way that ruins the abused person's ability to be heard by others. It is also accomplished by subtle slander over time.
*The war mentioned in the scripture at the top of this page is not a physical war, fought with fists, but a spiritual one. Abuse influences your thinking and mindset. Part of abuse often includes convincing the victim or recipient that he or she deserves the abuse or that it has some kind of noble meaning which honors God. Abuse exalts the enemy, not God. When you have a choice, God does not expect you to enable an abuser, and by enabling him or her, to somehow fulfill a Holy purpose "for the LORD."
This is how people are made to comply for a long time before they realize they are being used and abused. You've heard of cleanliness being next to godliness? Compliance being next to godliness is taught. Only the "rules" of submission and compliance are being used by insecure people who deal in power and control as a form of building self worth and personal legitimacy. Control of information on the part of the abuser, combined with the desire to please God on the part of the abused person, motivates the person being controlled or manipulated to choose to submit to abuse rather than risk dishonoring God. They are being given a "bait and switch," but don't know it while it is going on. The person or group who deceives or manipulates someone to not look outside is usually the same source that defines for the person (or group) what dishonors God. Access to a different viewpoint or interpretation of God's word is hidden while under the influence of that type of manipulation, but it is often sold as a form of "protection" or "looking out to keep you safe." The isolation causes you to doubt yourself. You look to the abusive person or group as your point of reference, and you are stuck. Under that type of influence, people have often bought into the ideals or mission, which are good, but when what is happening is not what is promised, there is a huge tendency to believe in the promise or ideal rather than what is really happening. Why? because the deck has been stacked toward denial, which is much less painful than the truth... of realizing you've been deceived and telling yourself everything is good. It's easier to believe you are the problem than to face the fact that leaders or spouses or good friends have been manipulating, controlling, using you.
This is how so many people can remain in an abusive religious group and see their brothers and sisters thrown under the bus, shunned, falsely accused and made to comply or leave, and still make some kind of peace with it in their own mind, and somehow still manage to call it good. One of the few ways of seeing others treated cruelly, and go back there, is to believe what you are told and don't rock the boat. You buy into the belief that they deserved it. That they just did not submit and God would have done good in it, but that they were unspiritual. In your gut, you know what is happening is really...really...really wrong, but to take responsibility to respond to the truth would cost you all the obvious gains of favor and fellowship, and also the fantasy and hopes and time and money and "sweat equity" you've invested in the ideals, dream or mission. Favor is rewarded to the super obedient, super compliant. But if you are honest, you have seen the most submissive, kind, humble, God-loving people walked right out the door and shown no mercy and shunned for no good reason if you have been part of a an abusive religious group.
Thinking critically, comparing your experience with others outside, and checking it out with others is not some ungodly, evil, heinous act. It is common sense, and thoroughly Biblical and godly.
Where no counsel is, the people fall: but in the multitude of counsellors there is safety.
Proverbs 11:14
With regard to spiritual abuse, we used to think that a good way to study teaching and materials was to sit with one teaching or minister, but over the years we have seen the bad fruit of people isolating others from outside information, and many of those people want to create an inordinate dependency so that others will be consumers of their material, even for financial gain in some cases. Those who insist you stay within their teaching and don't listen to others are operating in controlling the counsel to which you have access. This can be done on a one-on-one relationship level in a marriage or friendship, or it can even be done on a ministry, group or church level.
Many of us were improperly taught that "checking things out" would cause the counsel of multiple sources to cancel each other out. And when counsel says "Don't listen to anyone else." or "Listen to me/us because I/we are right, and they -- people I/we don't want you to talk to -- are wrong." That's another red flag! You really are correct in wanting to bounce your thinking and experience about what is happening with some outside counsel. Books on spousal, religious abuse and high control/demand groups and undue influence will not sour your mind with "ungodly ideas," but will help you not to answer a matter before hearing it. It may even help you put words to what you are experiencing or what you see happening to those around you.
Reports of spiritual abuse are becoming more common, not because Christians are becoming division makers, nor because they are steeped in victimization or self pity, as their abusers would accuse, but because the Church has neglected the care of it's people, and because religious traditions have shielded abuse while preventing responsive, loving action to help those who have endured suffering due to sin of other members in the body of Christ. We can't neglect that people with unhealed personal and mental illness sometimes start out with partial recovery and good intentions, but un-dealt-with issues surface after those people begin to become agents of help and healing towards others, but things like grandiosity, greed, pride and lack of real transparency then come to bear and the people they say they are helping are isolated, blamed, deligitimized and eliminated to preserve the "look good" of the spouse, ministry or abusive church or church leader. Recovering from abuse includes recognizing both how the abusive people have sinned against the people who are abused, and also discerning and dealing with what often keeps the victim codependent or participatory with the abuse. If both are not dealt with, then it is observed in the Church and in the world that the person goes from frying pan into the fire.
It is not uncommon for a person to to begin to recognize they are in an abusive situation or relationship, to then seek help and fall into the hands of another abusive system or person who offers help to them, but ends up using and manipulating the person who is in transition. We have witnessed abusive groups actually pursue or gather those leaving one abusive group so as to gain "their" people. During that time the people are "love bombed" (treated graciously with extra care and attention to as to inspire loyalty and gratitude at being "rescued"). Those people do not realize that they are being brought from a pretty warm frying pan into a hotter fire.
Religious legalism twists the intent of the gospel, and that legalism tends to be biased to focus the enforcement of forgiveness and minimization on the part of the abused person, rather than promoting accountable spiritual and behavioral change on the part of the persons doing the abusing. We are all for forgiveness, but we are equally responsible to protect and help those who are not in a position to protect and defend themselves. The burden of responsibility for abuse ceases being 50:50, once undue influence, manipulation, control, social pressure, authority differentials and other tactics are employed.
Our traditional faith, while trying to engender proper respect, sometimes prejudices us to think the best of people whom tradition teaches us to respect, and to disbelieve reports of those whom are slandered or suspect. This is a harmful bias. The teaching of abusive groups primes the pump and reinforces this kind of thing both pre-abuse, during the abuse and on an ongoing basis. Part of the problem is believers are trained to disbelieve and doubt reports of real wrongdoing. We don't want to believe the people who we love and trust and who have invested themselves on our behalf can be users and abusers. We want to continue to receive the gains and the good things and to pursue the fulfillment of the hopes and dreams we've had raised by our participation with these people.
As a church and ministry, we want to address the issues of both domestic and spiritual abuse. Our heart is to open the conversation, and that we each examine ourselves and the long term behavior and fruit of others, with whom we come in contact, so we can discern situations properly.
Can a ministry or church address or deal with "sin" issues and not be abusive? Yes, but there is a challenge of human people interpreting God's timing and change program for other people. Perhaps God shows me something about a habit or issue, and there is loving conviction (motivation) to make a change in my life. That may be filled with grace and love, and be for my benefit. But when I turn around and expect you to have to change like me, in the same timing and way, when God has not shown you the same issue, it can become a problem if I or anyone else uses undue influence or tries to "expedite" the change or make a rule or law out of it, and judge you by it or make you less legitimate because you don't progress according to my ideas.
Can a church be essentially biblicist and operate in deliverance ministry, and not be abusive? Yes, and it is a challenge, because love has to take precedence in how we apply doctrine, and even how we teach and share it. When you discuss right and wrong and matters of eternity, there is always the potential for abuse. When you look to leaders and allow them to stand in the place of God or as an intermediary, there is potential you are subject to that person's biological, soul and spiritual issues and problems. This is why God does not want us to have any other gods before Him. Israel wanted a king, and they got a Saul. This is why inordinate trust in man that leads us to weight our trust more in people can cause us problems (Jeremiah 17:5-8). We have long been ignorant of social dynamics and pressures that come to bear in churches and large groups, and it would help everyone if we were to be mindful of how people can be put into double-bind situations, and give them the space and freedom to choose their agreement with God and beliefs without human pressure and manipulation.
Even those who teach against occultism can use manipulation by voice dynamics, repetition, hypnosis, group trance and high control tactics. The fact that someone says they are "protecting you" and that they legitimately label errors of other teachings is is no guarantee that they are not operating in heavy duty control and manipulation. If their form of "protection" requires you stop thinking, surrender your will to them, submit in advance, stop questioning, and take on aspects of learned helplessness, this is not from God. God gave you a brain, and it is okay to use it.
One example of abuse is when a group which professes to deliver people from fear, and teach about how to overcome fear, actually puts fear "on" people by telling them if they don't obey this or that (human rule) God will punish them. Or tells them that if they leave group A or minister B, they "won't make it out there." Some abusive groups actually curse (verbally pronounce negative prognostications) toward or about former members. They even threaten them with negative consequence.
This section was revised subsequent to feedback from prayer and from a number of mature believers, and those who have been recovering from abuse, some of them being the same. The main revision was to separate a large volume of resources and help into sub sections. We still believe it is very much unfinished, but it is a start. Thanks for your patience.
Articles & Resources
From other groups and articles on church and domestic abuse. We will be adding and modifying this list regularly:
The history of the "shepherding" movement (this has probably influenced those ministries which are into abusive authoritarianism) from a thesis:
| allanclare_dissertation.pdf |
| what_not_to_say_to_someone_who_has_been_hurt_in_church.pdf |
Resources on Verbal Abuse - verbal abuse is not confined to marital or romantic relationships. Many of the dynamics of relationship abuse can occur as people are intimately involved in each others lives in a church or congregational context. Good Christianity does not require you be verbally abused by your peers or others in the Church. Just because the Bible says this does happen does not mean it is right or there is some godly purpose in enabling abuse.
Thoughts & Resources On Abuse:
We believe you are an adult believer, and you can take information from believers and unbelievers, and bring it before God, and get discernment about what relates to your situation, to the whiles of the enemy and to the working of God. You can cast down or reject what is not of God without prematurely rejecting everything just because the source does agree with every single point of theology in the specific denomination or group(s) with which you are familiar.
You may not be in a cult or in a marital abuse situation.... BUT it will bless you and others you meet if you take a short time to make an investment to seek out understanding on the subtlety of abuse for background information. We recommend a few books so you can understand just how a relationship or situation can look great on the outside, but is not the case in truth. Why is this important? Many people have been taught not to speak negatively about another. When this overrides the ability of those being hurt to speak the truth to you and to get help, this is error. God's heart is not that the truth be silenced and that abusive people get to continue to harm others with impugnity.
Abuse continues in the church because those being abused know that they have a low chance of being heard and helped, since there is a bias toward protecting the abuser. Abusive people know and capitalize on the fact that they have the ability to make themselves more believable. Often they are actively isolating people and building people up to feel special while subtly creatiing negative impressions towards those they abuse in the minds of others. Publicly they may appear positive, generous and knowledgeable. The books we recommend will introduce you to what is going on in marriages and churches and ministries. They will help you recognize subtle abuse and manipulation, whether that is a one on one relationship where you are being manipulated and controlled or a group or ministry where you think you are making decisions of your own free will but you are actually being "sold" on ideas without your knowledge. Good "sales people" who are charismatic and dynamic are experts at having you think you made the decisions they wanted you to make. You can find many of these books pre-owned or in used bookstores at sometimes 1/4 the price. They are worth the full price, but don't let financial means stop you from equipping yourself to recognize and deal with abuse and even subtle manipulation or control. Jesus Christ does not need you to be used or controlled. Please read these books which will give you an awareness of spiritual manipulation and abuse:
Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That - this is a book on spousal abuse, but many religious leaders also employ these means of creating dependency and undue influence. There is a term called "gaslighting" that comes from the 1940's film(s) entitled Gaslight, where a husband patronizes and drives his wife nearly mad. She is looking to him for validation and leadership, and he misuses that trust for his own ends. This is widely happening within churches and we have many people coming to us for help due to abuse within the body of Christ. It should not be so, but it is. A well respected minister in authority who has good people skills can easily be abusive and make those he abuses look as if they are unstable and nearly crazy. People are taught to look to him. You can choose to see that it is not the abusive person but their "spiritual issues," but still, a leader needs to be responsible for abusive behavior that s/he manifests when demanding compliance of those who want to please God, and who are only obeying him or her because they want to do right by God. Often people who have been "discipled," "shepherded" or "ministered to" have been subject to insecure, narcissistic or mentally ill leaders who minister out of their own need. Thus workers and volunteers, instead of being ongoing recipients of life and hope, experience a shift where what was once a life giving relationship or ministry, later becomes abusive and much like Laban with Jacob. Spouses or volunteers are guilt tripped, threatened or put into fear as a means of controlling them. Sometimes the person is completely gracious and generous and then goes into an insane rage or other behavior that does not fit with the benevolent behavior. This happens both in spouse abuse and spiritual abuse. This book will help you know you are not crazy. Trust your thinking and your gut. An abusive minister can teach you about "victimization" and "self pity" and tell you that you are oversensitive. That may or may not be true, but it is used to silence you and to get you to feel that the other person must be right about you, and get you to think that your natural response to not wanting to be verbally, emotionally or otherwise abused must be the problem. You are not the problem, but people who abuse are masters at knowing how to get you to doubt yourself. It is well worth reading, even if you suspect a friend is dealing with some type of abuse. It is good to educate yourself. This is not an easy book to read, but we have seen God use it to really help people get out from dependency and learned helplessness.
Mary Alice Chrnalogar, Twisted Scriptures - This book helps you to take a look at scriptural issues and see how "good sounding doctrine" can still be scripture misapplied to get you to do what other people, your equals in the body of Christ, want you to do.
Steve Hassan, Combatting Cult Mind Control - This book is helpful in that it is personal sharing and also insight from helping others out of abusive groups, some of them Christian and some of them non-Christian. Remember that in a multitude of counsellors, there is safety. Don't let anyone convince you to ignore information that may be helpful to you thinking critically for yourself. Groups have a way of getting you to shut your mind and ignore input that does not agree with their theology or control. Steve shares from a number of angles. It cannot hurt you to read and consider what he presents before God.
Some also recommend David Johnson & Jeff Van Vonderen's, The Subtle Power Of Spiritual Abuse
We recommend the 1940's Anton Walbrook& Diana Waynard version of the film Gaslight, as it will illustrate for you how the wife in this situation looks completely unstable and as if her mental health is the problem, but will show you there is a deeper cause. When spouses are abused or people are abused in one on one relationships, this type of scenario is often the case. Abusive people are expert at gaslighting those they victimize. You have to understand this dynamic if you are ever in a position to do an intervention in an abusive situation. When "leadership" abuses people they've already gained a great deal of social compliance or social authority or credibility with other people who enable the abuse because they don't want to be next. Those who have complied long term will opt for the perceived "safety" of agreeing with the abusive spouse or leader vs. suffering the consequences of having the wrath turned on them. Lundy Bancroft's book shows that these people know what they are doing. They know how to maintain exemplary relationships with key supporters and donors, so they will appear above reproach. Those who tell the truth will appear to be accusers and will some way or another be slandered. There will be a reason, or other believable "facts" in evidence used to influence other people to disregard or disbelieve what they say. They know how to ensure that those in a position of influence feel positively toward them and neutral or negatively toward those they abuse. In a church or ministry system, there will probably also be years or months of teaching about obedience or submission or not accusing which will make the speaking of the truth look like disobedience to God. The abused person is in a double-bind in these situations.
We recommend the Spiritual Safe Haven Network of the ICSA (International Cultic Studies Association). ICSA is an organization comprised of former members of high demand/control religious and non-religious groups, educators, researchers and clinicians. It is a secular (neutral) organization which has studied issues of undue influence and recovery from that kind of influence. Please see http://www.icsahome.com/spiritualsafehavennetwork
Note: We do not have any financial link to any of these books, we don't get any credit nor do we have any affiliate status. We recommend them because they are very helpful to people who have been abused in church and spouse situations. It helps them to think through what has happened, or is happening to them, so that they can become free of the undue influence and control that has held them in captivity. Jesus came to set the captives free. We also recommend people repeatedly read the book of Galatians, and do it between them and God, without the interpretation of the group or people or person who has been controlling or abusive in their lives. God loves you. You are not crazy or evil for wanting to be free from people who would use you and or control you.
Spiritual Abuse - is often about the "means" or "methods" rather than the actual stated belief system. Stephen Martin's book, The Heresy of Mind Control based on Robert Lifton's elements of thought reform is helpful when thinking about and deciding whether you are in an abusive system. Please note that Mr. Martin is not in agreement with deliverance ministry and, I believe, as many in the secular therapy community, sees deliverance as abusive. So you will run into that bias, but feel free to consider the information he presents and think through it critically in relation to the group(s) you are considering. Please see our article on "healthy vs. unhealthy" deliverance ministry for some help in discerning healthy deliverance ministry. Blessings!
p.s. "Shooting the messenger" Be ready for that possibility. Our thoughts here are that your safety is important. There is a high probability that if you are in an abusive group, but still see its idealistic goals more clearly than the abuse, that you will be subject to "damage control measures." For example, let's say you bring this article to your leadership to say "Hey, I think this may be going on in our group." Not everyone who brings up an issue is treated with having their concerns really listened to with care. If the group is abusive, It is very likely they will speak words to attempt to damage the credibility or legitimacy of the messenger, so effectively that you may become convinced to ignore or stop listening to the message. Consider that you may be subject to a group leader or person who appears wonderful, but is actually what Daniel Shaw terms a "traumatizing narcissist," that is someone who involves you in their mission or goal because of your heart to join the idealistic and loving purposes that are promised, but whose concerns are their mission, and you are expendable in it. This is why we encourage you to strongly observe the ACTIONS of how people are treated over time in terms of what you read in Twisted Scriptures or Why Does He Do That. Look less at the words to justify people being shunned, "corrected" and spoken ill of, but see how people are abused, silence, made to "give in," repent or leave, sometimes simply because they disagreed or had legitimate questions. Daniel Shaw's book, Traumatic Narcissism is a secular book written in psychoanalytic terminology, but it very much describes what subjects of Christian abuse go through, in that people believe in the ideals that attracted them to a particular church or ministry, but what they eventually get is bondage to loyalty at all costs, and not much of what was initially promised is really happening. We recommend chapters 3 & 4 of this book.
If you are dealing with abuse of authority teaching or "covering" teaching and you know something is very wrong, please also see this website and find the Allan Clare dissertation which we've been granted permission to post:
www.coveringanauthority.com
Allan Clare Dissertation: Discussion the error and abuse of teaching on Covering & Authority
More Resources Churches That Abuse (Enroth) web site reprint of this out of print book
If the abusive religious, family, school, or other system you have been in seems like it could have some cult-like behaviors, we encourage you to also read Michael Langone's Recovery From Cults
These movies and shows are illustrative of some techniques used in abusive relationships. There is or is perceived an authority/power relationship in Christian leadership or husband/wife relationship, so that if the "subordinate" one is suffering abuse, it appears within the context of religion that he or she is less stable or "in error" of saying anything negative about an abusive leader. It is already considered suspect to speak negatively. People in positions of power or supposed power or postulated and theologically reinforced power structures do abuse, and do so often with impugnity just because of this bias, which they use to their advantage. A person may be labled unstable, unsubmissive or in need of "correction." Others hearing of this will be inherently biased toward the person in the perceived authority position of respectability.
The movie Gaslight illustrates in this case a husband making his wife look insane. This is very direct and obvious in the movie, but please consider that someone asking you for help in an abusive marriage or Christian context may have been subject to this kind of treatment where he or she is "gaslighted" so appears less credible. People who abuse, victimize and isolate others and control use this kind of situation regularly.
The first resource is fictional but very helpful in understanding how this works:
Watch the movie GASLIGHT to see how the abuser can make the victim appear less credible or unstable
This movie is free/included if you are an Amazon Prime member. The Anton Walbrook/ Dyana Wynard version is more illustrative than the more famous Ingrid Bergman version.
The second resource -- We are cycling fans -- is very illustrative of how someone can be popular, influential, extremely generous and charitable and can engender sympathy for his own situation/trials while abusing, defaming, lying and destroying those he perceives getting in his way. Even if you are not familiar with the cycling world and its jargon you can see how those people who are devalued in the mind of someone who victimizes others, can be treated in such a way, and how the whole world may side with the abusive person, even though the victims were seeking to be heard, no one wanted to listen until it all came out. This, unfortunately is a true story. It is a documentary about Lance Armstrong called Stop At Nothing
Link to STOP AT NOTHING on Netflix
Link to STOP AT NOTHING: THE LANCE ARMSTRONG STORY on Comcast/Xfinity (Showtime)
You may also be able to find this on Roku player, SHOWTIME network or on Amazon
It was on Netflix and included/free to all subscribers, but some networks like xfinity/comcast are carrying it now. You know those yellow silicon bracelets everyone was wearing for anti-cancer that have since been taken up by other organizations copying their publicity success? That was started by Lance in the LIVESTRONG fight for cancer. Abusive people will use their hardships and past stories of being a victim/survivor to get people to side with their mission. It is a cunning use of the sympathy ploy, but it works and engenders loyalty that gets others to turn a blind eye. Are you in a relationship with someone who appears to have overcome all odds and has a horrendous story of being victimized? Are they a winner to you because they appear to have overcome so much? Praise God for those who overcome, but do they use this to hide their regular and consistent victimization and isolation of others? Do you feel bad for what they had to go through? Genuine sympathy and love is good, but do you excuse and tolerate their harmful behavior on a consistent basis because they had a bad childhood or other traumatic experiences? Why do they have your permission to "correct" intimate and minute details of your life while negotiating with you to excuse serious harmful behavior on their end? Have they won your loyalty with sympathy or excuses which you have bought? Why do they get to discredit others based on intimate private details of others' lives they've shared with you (and are probably sharing your details with other people)? Have you been made to feel "special" or "included" because you have been made privvy to the private details of others' lives. You see, once sold on someone by loyalty or sympathy, generosity, repetitiveness, familiarity or likeability we tend to fall for believing what they say, and allow them to paint our impressions of other people. Issue by issue, we may be manipulated like the frog in the beaker, when the flame gets turned up slowly, to excuse really bad behavior on the part of people we have been groomed to look up to. Those who appear to be "winners" or "overcomers" gain our confidence, and those who disagree with them, even when speaking the truth, are at a social proof type disadvantage. This is how people speaking the truth in the Lance Armstrong situation were not able to get a hearing. This is how people like Greg LeMond were discredited and lost much in terms of relationships, goodwill, finances and reputation in a very damaging way, because an abusive person with grandiose, arrogant, bravado was willing to consistently lie and defame others in a "look good" manner, and because people wanted to perpetuate the belief in an "all round winner." We discover here, that the ability to inspire and win a following can go on quite independently of loving and godly means of relating. It is wise to understand that the same principles can and do operate in people in the church who will stop at nothing to continue to perpetuate the impression of being a "winner" to be followed.
Review of Stop At Nothing: The Lance Armstrong Story
The DVD versions appear to be non-USA regions (i.e. not playable in the USA), and this seems less available than it used to be, but if you are able to find/watch it, it will help you understand also how religious leaders with social influence and Charisma are joined by others who become invested in the promised good and power of the leader. Popularity is one form of social capital or power which allows others to victimize people. It does not mean if you are popular you will victimize others, but it is why people who have been hurt in churches are often not believed (or fear they won't be believed), because there is a real advantage with those who have sway over others, and it also snowballs. Those other people become invested in the dream, even if it is not real. Was Lance an overcomer and winner of 7 Tour De France's? Only if you consider cheating, doing drugs, destroying other people's lives and livelihood an acceptable way to win or maintain the image of a winner and overcomer.
We also recommend the book by Robert Cialdini called INFLUENCE because it shows some of the evidence based studies that have observed how susceptible people are to subtle influence by others. If you know someone is using a technique or tactic on you, whether intuitively or deliberately, it will be easier to separate that technique's effect on you, and you will be more able to decide for yourself and not fall for manipulation. It will help you in overcoming some victimization if you find yourself repeatedly down the same rabbit trail. The older version was an informative read, but the updated version of this book is easier to read and more illustrative of some modern examples that you may relate to, even inside the church. It will also help you understand how others can be convinced to join cults. They don't join what they think is a cult or an abusive organization or relationship. They are led to believe one thing, and they receive another.... and by that time they are already well invested. Once a choice or commitment or decision is made, people will often continue to justify and bolster their own reasons for having made that decision, even if it later proves wrong, or they are given a bait-and-switch, because what they signed up for and what they are getting are two different things.
Robert Cialdin's INFLUENCE
We have another fictional resource which illustrates how those who abuse and manipulate can influence people to abuse others by suggestion, innuendo, and using the negative traits in others to then do damage to another. This happens in real life, but this is the same principle illustrated in Agatha Christie's Poirot whodunnit (who)
called Curtain: Poirot's last case. If you are Christian who does not want a fictional murder mystery to go through your eye gates, then feel free to pass on this example. But it is about a Belgian crime solver detective who is trying to stop a man causing murder and heartache to and through many others. The killer's method is to use people's fears or anger or behavior to incite them to harm others or their relationships. This kind of thing happens often in abusive relationships and churches. Things are "suggested" to you or others which cause you to react or over-react in ways where the one doing the suggesting appears innocent, but he or she is playing people like chess pieces. The most common way this is done is to suggest to you what someone (may have) said about you or how another person might feel about you. If you are being well manipulated it will cause you to over-react, reject or treat that person unfairly. It will create a prejudice and isolation and will block communication between you and the other person and properly hearing the matter out.
The Poirot series is currently included with Netflix or you may be able to access it on Amazon Prime. Again only recommended if you are okay with watching murder mysteries. There is often some graphic nature not to the R level, but not great either. But if you do watch this type of film or show periodically, it will illustrate the principle of getting others to do the abusing.
Link to Amazon Prime Agatha Christie Poirot episode called CURTAIN.
For those desiring teaching or ministry with respect to spiritual abuse from a spiritual issues context, please see Lessons #19 & #20 (partial recordings listed) in the 2015-2016 Curriculum recordings in our media section. #19A & #19B have teaching which can be helpful if you are discerning or dealing with abuse. #20C & D is deliverance if you would like help to forgive and deal with some of the fruit of being hurt or abused (so this will include personal responsibility ministry), but if you are not ready for that and want to just receive some ministry for your heart and the effects of abuse, you can go to #20E.
In our regular Engrafted Word Fellowship Church teachings, as of June 2016, we also added some teaching on Overcoming Victimization. These are listed as teachings #26 & #27 in the same 2016 curriculum section. The true responsibility for abuse to stop is on the part of the person using control, manipulation, undue influence and those who enable the abuse to continue, but rarely do
people operating in the gains of controlling other people and their resources want to stop of their own accord. The dovetailing of our desire to follow and be compliant with abuse, is becoming aware when hype, manipulation and means of undue influence are being used to gain or cooperation and participation. Then we have a better option to say "no" to what is ungodly. People say "yes" when they are manipulated into thinking what was being asked of them was "doing what God wants", when they were being convinced by human people wanting to use their human resources for the ends of human gains with a "God wrapper" on them. In understanding how they were deceived, part of walking out of victimization can include developing the wherewithal to step back and see the truth as it is. That can help people to then gain the clarity and strength to say "no" to those who were trying to use -- and abuse -- them and their resources for personal gain.
Abuse in the church is not just a domestic violence issue (i.e. spousal abuse) but it is frequently a situation in which discriminatory theology is applied in error to sanction abuse of subordinates in a supposedly voluntary (but manipulated) authority hierarchy.. This is primarily in superior-subordinate relationships where an "out of order" theology is applied to subjugate one population of subordinates. In many cases those who are subjugated or subordinated are women, but this is not always the case. Please see the www.coveringanduathority.com website to read of one such misapplication of scripture and the bad fruit caused in the body of Christ by this kind of dominance/subjugation establishment of unhealthy relationships. Lundy Bancroft speaks of domestic abuse, but you find this replicated in clergy-laity relationships or many male-female non marital relationships within the church. Lundy Bancroft has the benefit of many years' experience in the field of helping angry and abusive people recover if they truly desire to recover (i.e. not just feign an interest in recovery to give public appearance of doing so). Even John the Baptist advised that we bear fruit in keeping with repentance. Here is a seminar put on by the Boston EADV (Employers Against Domestic Violence) helping people understand domestic violence. It would be wise for those believers to become aware of the issues so that we as Christians stop blaming victims of verbal, spiritual, emotional and psychological violence and stop falling prey to those who have excellent salesmanship and EQ (emotional intelligence) so that they convince people they themselves are the victims of those they abuse.
There are multiple videos in sequence which talk specifically about domestic violence, but many of these same characteristics, tactics, thinking and behavior of abusive people extend to how churches and ministries and leaders abuse those who they believe are beneath them in the church. If you want to skip the intro, the "pt 1 on DV in Popular Culture video" talk actually starts at 6 minutes and 7 seconds into that video (the first one below)
There are multiple videos in sequence which talk specifically about domestic violence, but many of these same characteristics, tactics, thinking and behavior of abusive people extend to how churches and ministries and leaders abuse those who they believe are beneath them in the church. If you want to skip the intro, the "pt 1 on DV in Popular Culture video" talk actually starts at 6 minutes and 7 seconds into that video (the first one below)
Do well organized religious organizations know about abuse but "keep it quiet" in order to keep a positive public image? Watch the movie SPOTLIGHT
Link to SPOTLIGHT
Link to SPOTLIGHT
HOW TO UNDERSTAND THE BEHAVIOR OF PEOPLE (INCLUDING THOSE IN CHURCH) WHO MANIPULATE:
People often use the Christian's good conscience, desire to do right and other aspects of their good character AGAINST them to manipulate them. This is done by abusive individuals within the church, including those in postured authority or authority you would consider legitimate. It is important also to not be manipulated by the pity stories that a person is doing something aa a "defense mechanism" from a poor childhood or abuse situations. If you falsely agree that the person is mistreating you, and you get convinced they can't help it or you are responsible, this is a power play used to gain advantage over you. It is about power and winning, not a logical fair conversation or relationship. Here is information on Manipulation and how to understand what is happening, how it is different from denial or other issues. They know what they are doing. They know it works. It is intentional. When you combine it with other abuse tactics, you are being barraged with an attack and you need to recognize it as such to begin extricating yourself. If you are around an individual (or group) whose behavior is crazymaking and has you often doubting yourself, this video may help:
HOW YOUR (CHRISTIAN) BELIEFS CAN BE TWISTED AND USED AGAINST YOU - i.e. belifs about "forgiveness" or about "taking responsibility for sin." Abusive Christians and Christian groups use your good conscience and desire to please God to get you to take the responsibility for the harm they do you. At its extreme, they will want you to feel it is your fault that they harm you, verbally abuse you and do worse... This is how teachings about bitterness can be used against you, but also other teachings can be twisted to demand you be perfect so as to divert attention from what they are doing to you and others.
Here is a nightline series on the public vs. private aspect of one religious organization.
NIGHTLINE SERIES
Here is a form of error that is misused as a means of family control and "church growth." Beware of the influence of this and its affects on your famliy who may marry into it.
This abuse may not take this exact form in your church, but the error inherent in it is used to abuse. Variations of it are used to disable many and have you yield proper Godly love in favor of false doctrine...